Hi, hope all is well.
Lately, it hasn't been well for me.
Can I make a confession?
I have been doing this thing for nearly 10 years now. I have been creating music covers since I was 12, flaunting and sharing them around Youtube regardless of the subscribers and comments. They didn't matter, not when you were 12. Why would a little girl deal with content subscribers back then? I remember endlessly creating them throughout highschool, slowly gaining friends and supporters. A little Youtube family, as I would call it. And that was all it was.
4 years later, I went to college. Things got messier. I didn't have as much time as I used to, and I was growing. My music interests were changing. My mindset got crowded, making it harder to keep up as more people pushed me to do more. More friends were listening. More online subscribers waited for my uploads. It wasn't much, but when I was 16, a single comment from personal friends would mean the world to me. So, I decided to do more uploads, upgrading my little Disney fandubs to current top tracks globally. Although I posted them a little less often, I still spent more time editing and perfecting them. As I upload them on public social media sites, I would wait for reactions. And I mean literally wait, for anything to come up. For views. For comments. For compliments. Sometimes I get more than I expected, sometimes lesser that it eats me up and would make me want to delete it immediately. To me, I wasn't enough.
A total of 10 years later, now 22 years old, I knew I piled up something toxic and destructive inside of me. I kept on fishing for compliments instead of doing them for myself, for my happiness. I built a new person inside of me who wanted to prove that what I was investing in was going to bring more, and a few questions kept coming back on random nights. Questions that weren't so kind, going on and on like, "I've been posting for so long, how am I still stuck with 101 followers? 81 reacts? 930 subscribers? 5 comments? How am I still stuck to creating average content when I've done these for a decade now? How have I not felt any growth? How are my friends convincing me that I have one of the best voices, when I haven't reached at least a peak of this potential? What have I not done to waste this much time? How am I never enough to reach something bigger than this small life?" And it continued, those voices reaching out to me, convincing me I need more compliments, more listeners, and more answers. I wanted to prove something, but it wasn't coming. I don't think it will.
What's upsetting me the most is when I start counting the amount of time and effort I invested in creating them, perfecting them, and waiting for people to come and appreciate the 'art' I exposed for myself, but merely ending up with not even a reaction. Nor a compliment. I get so upset and shut myself down for a few days. I wanted to disappear but still with a little hope.
Then on my saddest nights, I would cry. Because by then, I would start hating myself. Why can't I do better? Why can't I excel with at least one point in my life? As I arrange the countless tracks I made---some shared, some kept hidden, I thought maybe this thing isn't for me. I wasn't made to go hard famous for this, like how I expected, or like how they told me I would. I kept denying that no, of course not. I didn't create them for fame. But then maybe I did. Maybe I was slowly consumed by what the world could say, not with what this passion thrives.
I didn't know what was missing. All I know now is that I wasn't made to create more, not for other people's pleasure. I needed to stop. And start anew. Appreciate music for what it is, and not for what my voice could make it. I've grown too selfish with this gift that it's burning me out for such a long time now. I've only just realized it all now that I get to spend more time knowing myself.
I don't want any of these anymore. I don't want comments, subscribers, followers, supporters. I don't want to waste hours and hours of recording, editing, uploading, and waiting. I don't want any more dead and unreal expectations. I will keep this to myself and to the Lord who wanted me to use this for His greater purpose instead. The flames have gotten too wild. This madness inside of me, I want it all gone. It's time to wash it all up.
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