I'm Glad It's Over.

Hi, hope all is well.

It's beautiful how some of the most memorable parts of our lives come by surprise. I remember too well how that night, that one night, changed everything and all that I was. It was supposed to end like every other nights, but I decided to strike up a conversation over a random person on Instagram, sending my first message at 10:13 pm. After a few minutes, you hit reply. And we talked about music and education, to sleeping at 4 am, with hopes of talking again the next day. And we did. We talked. Endlessly. Until we both knew we wanted to see where this could go further, so we both took the risks of loving--- you, after getting your heart broken from your past relationships, and me, not having any idea on how relationships even work. 

Like how most books and older people talk about falling in and out of love, we went through it all. Now, two years later, I decide to look through your Facebook profile again. When we called the relationship off, I couldn't stop myself from looking at you through social media. It took me months to stop the habit, and I guess I've never felt better since then. Looking at you again, wow, it's weird to see you gaining weight, growing your hair out, and now blessed with someone else. Time sure did its magic on you. And here I was, looking at you with the same heart. But now healed. Now wiser. Now happier. Now braver. I don't remember that much about us anymore, but I guess as I see through your photos, you were still the same nineteen year old guy I spent so many impulsive dates with.  From early McDonald's breakfasts to 7/11 spicy ramen and kimchis after our graveyard shifts. And as much as I could re-imagine all the fun things we did, I also still had how it felt to be so broken. Some songs would still remind me of how much it hurt, but you know what progress means? It means that in a blink of an eye, pain just somehow disappears. Pain is meant to be felt, remembered, but not as long as it should. It's a miracle how we're both healed from the damage we left to each other and despite it all, I now clearly see why God broke the relationship apart. He made me experience immense pain and heartbreak from you. Our mistakes and my acceptance defended me from all the future mistakes we could've made for each other, and for ourselves. We would've ended up punishing instead of honoring the blessings of a relationship. I can now grasp all the wise reasons why.

From hating you to the deepest parts of my heart, to actually praying for your happiness, that's the growth I have been waiting for. God wanted me to give me the gift of forgiveness, both for you and for myself. He purposely led me to you, and you to me, for us to know what love feels like and for how sometimes it's better not to keep things as they are. Even the most beautiful things aren't meant to stay. But that is okay. I am now tremendously happy that we're over.

I'm happy to be in the grace of singleness in the moment. It's terrifying how I once convinced myself that losing you meant losing my happiness. I remember explaining to my best friends how spending days without you felt lonelier. I was happier with you, I told myself. But after spending so many mornings and nights of fixing and tending to my own wounds, binge-watching sad Korean dramas, creating heartbreaking playlists, writing three Tumblr posts a day, I learned about myself better. I can now love the songs that I discover without having to think about anyone else. I love watching my anime movies without expecting someone else to watch it with me. I love spending more time alone, in coffee shops, in bus rides, in strolling around parks and malls. I make more plans with my family, I spend more time creating goals for myself. I'm so happy and even happier, now that I got to appreciate the wholeness of  my life, given from His grace and His purpose.

I'm happy to learn and experience genuine healing. I refused to seek another person's companionship to cover any pain. Temptations of doing so were everywhere. My friends kept encouraging me to find someone else online, or try it with the guys I meet at work. It was funny, I knew they only wanted to make me feel better, but I knew better that going through the darkest cycles of heartbreaks with an open mind and a faithful God was the most effective process. I recovered from all the trauma, solely through rebuilding myself and my relationship with Him.

I'm happy that through you, and through our failures, I was able to realign myself with what truly matters. I was able to think through our past decisions and learn from it. There were choices I wish I didn't make with words I wish I said and didn't. Growth is immense whenever we heal. All of those past decisions led to me creating a better version of myself. Love does transform us through the best and worst.

I'm happy you're building a wonderful relationship with a new woman. I'm happy I get to see your changes through the pictures your posting. Truly, I have left all the grudges aside. We were just young kids going through the changes together, and I wouldn't want to choose to hold it all against you. I left my fair share of mistakes and wrong words to you, of things that made you think twice about us. There is no one left to blame. Now, I'll be praying for your relationships to going well, like you've always worked through them. You have learned to love again and it's beautiful to see you being loved as well, genuinely.

And I'm happy, joyful, we went through all the madness and how we left it all there. Just there, in that dark, empty space in our lives. So sudden yet so needed when everything was crashing. Sometimes I wonder what'd it be like to bump into you in the future, in the most random places. It would probably be so awkward and so intimidating. I guess it's always going to be like that for all of us who had had past love of our lives. Still, I look forward to seeing you again. I could drop a fresh 'Hello' and 'How've you been?'. It's going to be me striking the conversation first, again, like how I did a few years back, with a stranger whose eyes I'll recognize and whose existence I'll be thankful for.